As an HNN Elder, I am often approached with the query: "What good will HNN membership do ME, a simple blister on the festering wound which is the free- enterprise system? How can I benefit from my association with such an operation?" The following text article is written as a response to that inquiry. I hope it proves to be informative. -T.G.

HNN and its affiliates are nationally and internationally recognized by the LNORA, (League of Non-contributing Organizations, Residents and Aliens) as well as by the FDICK, (Functionally Delinquent Ill-motivated Citizens Kouncil). These non-profit institutions were established for the benefit of fraternities, clubs, and organizations like HNN, which do very little or absolutely nothing of benefit to mankind. Recognition by these institutions ensures, among other things, free merchandise from retailers displaying LNORA and FDICK decals in their windows, as well as interest-free bank loans and financial assistance for college.

In addition to free merchandise, HNN members receive free medical and dental coverage through the exploits of the HNN Relief Fund. This organization is set up to provide HNN members with medical assistance, pharmaceuticals / narcotics, massages, precious bodily fluids, puke bags, nicotine patches, Dr. Scholls foot care products, mouthwash, punching bags, electronics, sexual therapy, marriage counciling, a dating service, psychotherapy, acupuncture, religious advice, planned parenthood, ACE bandages, coffee, coffee breaks, coffee enemas, coffeepots, a broad range of other coffee-related products, rabies vaccinations, flea collars, antiseptic spray, IcyHot, KY jelly, sponge baths, lap dances, beatings for masochistic members, sun block, aloe-based lotions, ointments and balms, vitamins, body guards, scheduling assistance, test answers, pardons from prison terms, noise makers, chocolate, Tum-Ta-Tum-TUMS, liposuction, and just about anything else not mentioned that might provide some kind of relief in either a particular or a general sort of a way.

Another perk for HNN members is the HNN Gold Coverage life insurance policy, available only to initiates through the generosity of Cheetum, Burnham and Run, a local insurance provider. This policy offers clients the benefit of accidental death compensation equaling seven-hundred million dollars, provided the policy holder does not die between the time the policy was drawn and the time of his death. How's THAT for security, jack? Yet another advantage the HNN boys have over the ordinary citizen is access to a weekly discussion group, held twice monthly and hosted by the Dallas Cowgirl Kickers during the winter months, and by the Swedish Bikini Team during the summer months. This discussion group serves to expand the intellectual horizons of HNN members and provide support for the endeavors of individual participants outside of the HNN stratum of activities. Topics covered include such scintillating tid-bitts as politics, religion, history, bird watching, epistemology, metaphysics, and HAM radio operation and maintenance. Participants must attend dressed in garments which cover no more than one-fifth of the surface of the body, with special emphasis given to bare-chestedness. The one exception is for the male members of the all-male chauvinist regime which is HNN. For these exceptional few, the dress code is optional. Participation in the group is limited to HNN members and certain females which meet very exacting requirements for weight-to-height ratio, bodily dimensions, and IQ. Men, no bikini briefs, please. Attendance, as is the case in all HNN proceedings, is not mandatory, so occasionally the hosts carry on the proceedings without the members and vice-versa.

And, finally all HNN members going by the name of William Daniel Henry are entitled to copious quantities of free beer, provided by the HNN Beer for Will Fund, which has been established for the sole purpose of providing the aforementioned service.